Book of Snark: Sneak Preview

Book of Snark is my first published work of satire.

It is a collection of anti-affirmation feminist satire. It is a parody of motivational self-help books, pages of punchlines that describe the day to day life of an unimpressed, middle aged female professional, who commutes by bus.

Book of Snark will be published October of 2020 on Amazon.

Here’s a sneak preview of chapter 1:

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Cube Farm

The worst place to get lunch has got to be the staff refrigerator.

Working Girl

Monday morning is that time when the week already royally sucks and you are not at work yet.

Living that high-profile glamorous lifestyle that only an office job can provide.

1oz of ambition is worth 10oz of intelligence and they’ll hate you if you have both.

Repeat frequently: I can, I can, I can (but really, should I?)

Career Options

I work here only because vigilante was not a viable career choice.

Well, the good news is that I am probably not getting laid off. The bad news is that I am probably not getting laid off.

Here’s to having a job so boring no one ever wants to talk to you about it!

Every industry had its corruptions. Figure out what you can tolerate, then pick your devil and dance with it.

Team Player

Being a specific person I sometimes find it difficult to work with people in general.

It’s not good to be popular at work because you will get assigned to the hard jobs first.

If you really want to see it done, just do the work and stop worrying about who gets the fucking credit.

Working Too Much

You know you have been working too much when you have no idea what day it is and forgot you got paid two days ago.

You know it’s a hard day when the boss says, “Please come back tomorrow” as they leave for the night.

You know it’s a long day when you come home from work, fall into bed with your winter boots on, and pass out for an hour.

Motivation

I am still at work and there is no beer.

Quick! Someone drive by my house and run me over as I cross the street to the bus stop so I have an excuse to not go to work!

The only thing keeping me going these days is Led Zeppelin and vending machine coffee.

Work always sucks until I remember what life would be like if I was unemployed.

Overtime

How many work hours does it take until you feel like you are going to puke?

When you lock yourself out of the office where your purse, car keys, cell phone, blasting radio, and data crunching computer are located, stop working.

Friendly reminder: Your employer will not stop you from working yourself into an early grave if you choose to do that.

Time Off

It takes so little time to crush the vacation right out of you.

The minute I don’t have work to keep me regulated I revert right back into a shiftless night dweller.

The problem with taking vacation is that all those projects are still waiting for you when you get back but now you have less time to complete them.

And with the first day back after vacation comes the inevitable, “OK, wait- what the hell do I do for a living?”

Office Life

Oh, all-seeing electronic plumbing eye… you are not capable of making better decisions than I am.

Is there a stronger ipecac than walking into the office?

PSA: If you are white and work in an office please refrain from referring to anything being ‘my jam’ or ‘not my jam’ besides incidents involving the copier or printer.

Which is less painful: Annual employee review or dental check-up?

It is no easy task to spend 1/3 of your life on a hamster wheel.

Lunchroom

You’re having lunch in a funky little bistro. I’m having lunch in the office breakroom which offers a different kind of funk.

Someone in the work lunchroom sarcastically teased me about secretly being a ‘vulgar comedian’. I told him to check with me in my off hours.

As a co-worker retrieved his lunch from the staff refrigerator, he could see the hole where someone else had eaten part of his sandwich. The would-be thief took one bite, decided he didn’t like it, and put it back. There was a moment when he considered his options, whether to line up the imprint with everyone’s teeth, but he threw it away and left the lunchroom.

Weekend

And the end of workday Friday hits like a brick…

I believe the real reason it is called Friday is because we are all fried by the time it ends.

Welcome to the weekend and remember all those people that worked and died in insane factory conditions to make it all possible for you.

Fuck. We all have to get up for work on Monday.

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Want a copy? Here’s how:

Pre-order a signed copy from my Square site. It will be shipped via the US postal service when the book is released in October 2020. Sorry, USA addresses only.

Order directly from Amazon once the book is released in October 2020. This might be a way to access free shipping or to have it shipped internationally, but the book won’t be signed… until we meet in person!

-Copyright C.M.Mounts, September 2020

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