It was the worst, most torturous tongue twister. They were selling it for $19.95 plus shipping and handling- but if I acted NOW!, I could double my order for the same low, low price. It was the latest device paraded at 3am before the drunk or the unemployed or the 3rd shifters with the night off. It was a steel spring clamp with the color of your choice vinyl handles for a non-slip grip. It could even withstand your saliva. They claimed that elongation exercises of the tongue improved ones appearance, health, ability to speak, bad breath, headaches, and of course made you irresistible to anyone who wanted to have sex with you. Of course, trying to get sex from those who want sex with you anyway is no real challenge but tongue elongation by way of this device, the ‘Tongue Twister’, apparently couldn’t hurt.
Or maybe it did. Maybe placing the meaty, pink, bumpy flesh of your tongue in this device felt a lot like getting your tits caught in a mangle. Maybe people who bought this crap actually intended to use it on their foul-mouthed kids. Maybe grocers jumped at the 2-for-1 deal for use in their meat department, elongating steaks to fool people into paying a higher price. Maybe some men thought if it elongated one body part surely it could elongate another. I imagine there is some well-meaning grandmother, who can no longer sleep through the night at her advanced age, calling in and passing on her savings as Christmas gifts to her fat, pimply granddaughter who she would often tell should lose weight or she’ll never find a man.
I have decided to see how long it will take for the ‘Tongue Twister’ to go from infomercial to a drugstore or supercenter near me. With isle upon isle of useless crap for sale, surely I can come up with a better idea than that, one that will keep me from being drunk and unemployed at 3am. Just one infomercial and I could make millions. It wouldn’t matter if it actually worked; by the time my claims were tested, debunked, and fined I will have made so much money that the federal punishments will be pocket change. Goodbye shack, hello Easy Street.
-Copyright C.M. Mounts, September 2008